Happiness chronicles. 

The last time I was happy

The midnight sun wasn’t upon the horizon

The monsoon breeze had not taken flight

It was 9 am. 12 hours after he yelled

Made me feel like ‘it was my fault’

An anxiety attack nipped at my heels

And he called me to say he was sorry.

 

The last time I was happy

We found love in a hopeless place made sense to me

I had an empty stack of A4s and no ink of love flowed through my pen

The trip meter said memories, the cabin was silent

He kept mumbling ‘it’s not you, it’s me’

The dreamcatcher kept me up all night

And he met me to never meet me again

 

The last time I was happy

The creases in the bedsheet were heavy with neglect

The thick air spoke of unlit cigarettes and lipcolor stains

Limbs entwined, hair entangled, afterglow.

Calling is pedantic, so a text said ‘you’re too emotional’

I unclasped my bra but couldn’t free my thoughts

And looped endlessly on the what ifs

 

The last time I was happy

They have been careful to never leave a mark

Verbal barbs cut deep enough but never on the surface

The sniggering and the whispers followed me everywhere

‘oh cmon, you’re always overreacting’ played like a symphony

Packing my bags had never been this easy.

And I never unpacked my emotions again

 

The last time I was happy

I wasn’t trying to fit in a size 10 dress

I wasn’t trying to see if I was good enough

I wasn’t awake.

 

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