It was inevitable. I probably should have seen it coming. But then this being another kind of a relationship that I shared with another person I couldn’t see it till it happened. I wish this was that friendship that would have lasted me a lifetime because you could be the person I shared everything in my life with. The person who I would have gone and cried to when I would fight with someone I loved a lot, the person who would give a perspective on life when I really needed one…
But it was not to be. Because I believe I gave too much of me in this one sided supposed friendship. Because I thought you could be my best friend, but you didn’t. I tried thumping the table harder in an attempt to fake a clap of two palms. I know I am probably not as cool, as pretty or as perfect as the people you generally like hanging out with. I am not even that smart. And I can understand why you would get bored with a friend who demands so much emotionally.
You were the first person I wanted to tell everything to when it happened, and I did till this ended, and now I don’t have anyone to share those moments with. Those silly jokes, those laughs, those moments all come and go and I wish I could share them with you. But it’s ok, with time I will find a new friend and hold him or her against your parameters and make sure I don’t make the same mistake. That I never give myself up to another friend, so that I won’t be hurt.
You took a part of my trust with you. You made sure that I view the most innocent thing in the world, friendship with suspicion and I don’t like you for that. You told me that friendship is need based and not because we connect. I don’t like that either. No I don’t love you. It may seem like that but I don’t. Because you are blind to faults when you are in love. I can see your faults, and I thought you could see mine. That’s what made us friends. But it’s all in the past tense now and if our friendship had a Wikipedia entry, it would have had all tenses changed to the past.
I need to treat people with a certain wariness that you taught me. Not because you wanted to teach me but because you couldn’t stop being wary of me. You pushed me away whenever you thought I know too much about you. You pushed me away when you were upset with the world. You pushed me away because I feel I could see why you pushed me away. And I kept my distance without realising that you never wanted to bridge the distance. I was the Lowest Common Denominator. The number that would be struck off first. I am sure someone reading this would know it’s about you. but they wouldn’t know that it’s really you. And they would confuse this with a love letter. A jilted outpour, without knowing me.
I understand people change and evolve. I am sure you did. It just that it hurts so bloody much that I have tears writing this. Because this is buried but you and I are alive. I won’t be here in front of you to remind you of this burden for long but till then it’s very difficult to carry the weight of a dead friendship when we are alive to see it lying dead between us.