Happiness chronicles. 

The last time I was happy

The midnight sun wasn’t upon the horizon

The monsoon breeze had not taken flight

It was 9 am. 12 hours after he yelled

Made me feel like ‘it was my fault’

An anxiety attack nipped at my heels

And he called me to say he was sorry.

 

The last time I was happy

We found love in a hopeless place made sense to me

I had an empty stack of A4s and no ink of love flowed through my pen

The trip meter said memories, the cabin was silent

He kept mumbling ‘it’s not you, it’s me’

The dreamcatcher kept me up all night

And he met me to never meet me again

 

The last time I was happy

The creases in the bedsheet were heavy with neglect

The thick air spoke of unlit cigarettes and lipcolor stains

Limbs entwined, hair entangled, afterglow.

Calling is pedantic, so a text said ‘you’re too emotional’

I unclasped my bra but couldn’t free my thoughts

And looped endlessly on the what ifs

 

The last time I was happy

They have been careful to never leave a mark

Verbal barbs cut deep enough but never on the surface

The sniggering and the whispers followed me everywhere

‘oh cmon, you’re always overreacting’ played like a symphony

Packing my bags had never been this easy.

And I never unpacked my emotions again

 

The last time I was happy

I wasn’t trying to fit in a size 10 dress

I wasn’t trying to see if I was good enough

I wasn’t awake.

 

5th April. Day 5 #NaPoWriMo

I wish
I could
write about finding myself
Say it has been easy without you
Thank you for letting me free
Sing about travelling the world
Show you all my new friends
But instead
I think
About whether you think of me
If you still hate olives
Am I still responsible for your sadness
Will I travel alone ever
Would I ever sleep normally
And I
Realize that
It’s going to take time
Maybe I will never heal
Singing songs is my favorite thing to do
I should live by the beach
I did love you like love should be loved.
So. Goodbye. Take care. And.
Remember.
Me.

Weight of words. Day 3 #NaPoWriMo

I’ll always love you. Always.
I’ll never forget you. Never.
My life is incomplete without you. Incomplete.
You ignite my passion. Ignite.
You understand me. Understand.
I can be myself with you. Myself.

The words we remember.
Long after the meaning has faded.
Sometimes the most important word is not the one which is highlighted.
But the one which gives meaning to every sentence.
You.
Not you anymore.

You Don’t. I Do. Day 2: #NaPoWriMo

I am hard of hearing.
I listen, but I am hard of hearing.
I see your lips moving, but I look ahead.
I see you mouthing cliches about my safety.
And I throw the chastity belt at your feet
I try and erase your faux lines of worry
In my personal cloud of smoke
You give me a glass of water
When I see life through a shot of single malt
I shave my legs and put on my shorts
Putting a few band aids
On the nicks and cuts of a razor
The sharp tone of your tongue
is a butter knife to my skin
I’m unbreakable.
I put on my sunglasses
To avert your gaze from my brashness
I put the ink of my life on my skin
I listen to loud music and sometimes drive fast
Men and cars both
I still don’t hear you.
Because I am hard of hearing
Every don’t that you throw my way
Today, tomorrow, and every single day.

Confessional

Did you hear about the ones who love more
They sentence these people to a life of misery
No trials no justice
Just the judgment
They politely call them givers
Making sure it sounds like a sin
So they are in penance.
Forever in the altars of Gods
Asking to be loved back
Filling the bowls of communion wine with tears
Forever on their knees
Begging for mercy because their hearts never heal
And no one tells them that it’s OK to love more
It’s OK to cry
It’s OK to want someone more than anything else in the world.
It’s OK to sleep with their name as a lullaby chant
It doesn’t make you weak.
It makes you strong enough for the two of you.
So love more. Maybe you’ll live more.

Embers

This is Harnidh’s beautiful writing as a gift to me on my birthday which was 17th September.

She is an amazing poet and an even more brilliant human being. Catch her on twitter @Pedestrianpoet.

ForeverAwkward (And Maybe Learning)

The first time I saw you,
I felt like I do on stage,
when I get up, with a new poem
in hand, and offer it to an audience
that expects much out of me,
and demands payments
for the gazes it grants, and it is
that thrill that rushed through
my bones, sparklers glittering
in my bloodstream, little
gunpowder fuelled fireflies,
floating through my heart,
down into my brain,
and up into the tips of my
toes,
I swear I could feel my fingertips
glow, glow red with heat,
and want and need, and
the flames spread through
my cheeks and chest, as I
stood there, probably looking like
a gulmohar tree in bloom,
the fire of the forest mirroring
the fire in me, and you were
kindling, dried twigs and brushwood,
the wind pushing me closer to you-
ninety percent of forest fires
are caused by human callousness,

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Constructions and doors.

As the demolition crew comes near
Hold your breath
Let the walls crumble one by one.
Let the rooftop come crashing down
Let it rain splinters around you

Sit on the grass cross legged.
In your best Sunday dress.
And watch every second of it.

Don’t mourn the stained glass window
Don’t mourn the pictures on the mantlepiece.
Don’t sigh at the remains of the living room sofa
Don’t remember the taste of the cakes of the erstwhile oven

The noises in your head will grow louder by now
And the goosebumps will make their way out on your skin
Sit still and don’t close your eyes.

No one needs to see the breaking down in parts of you.
No one needs to know that your skin feels alien now.
No one will notice that everything is gone but the door still stands.

So open that door when you’re alone.
Snuggle into the bed that remains
And then when the world sleeps peacefully
Thinking that nothing ever fazes you
Let the tears come. Let them flow.
Sing the ballads that your heart writes
Question everything and everyone.
Bite your lower lip till it bleeds

But.
Remember to sleep
Remember to wake up
And
Remember to walk.
Everyday.